My Journey to Understanding Myself

I spent most of my life feeling like I don’t belong. Like I was living on a broken auto pilot, alone and barely getting by while everyone else seemed to be living. I told myself I was just different, a quiet person, a person who struggled because I wasn’t very good at things and slowly accepted my fate. It wasn’t until I reached my late 20’s and now my 30’s that I began to understand the real reasons behind it all. This is my story of finding the answers.

 

The Quiet Kid in a Loud World

My earliest memories of feeling different were simply just being shy in primary school. While all the other kids were playing with their friends at break time, I could often be found just walking around by myself. Sometimes I would interact with others playing catch or trying to run up walls but it was very much a limited experience of actually talking with them. But I was too young to really feel anything more than just shy.

However at home things were different. I didn’t have bad parents, I just had a very hard time doing things that are supposed to be “normal”. I remember often absolutely screaming because my socks were not perfectly aligned and the arms on my sleeves were bunched up when I put my coat on. When it came to doing homework it felt impossible. It would take what felt like 20 minutes to be able to pick up the pencil, just to throw it down immediately and cry and I had no idea why except it felt mentally painful. Despite all of this I was in all of the top classes and apparently did quite well.

Drifting Through My Teenage Years

Moving to high school was where things started to get much harder. The two friends from primary school who were supposed to be in the same classes initially had moved elsewhere and I never saw them again. My only other friend was in completely different classes. I was alone and felt even more shy in a sea of new, more confident people.

Things started to drastically go down hill mentally. I was permanently tired, couldn’t concentrate on anything in classes and practically did zero school work or homework. I don’t know how school even let me get away with it without doing anything except slowly moving me out of the top classes over the years.

Things largely remained the same, except in the last 2 years I would start to skip school very often. To this day I don’t know why, I wasn’t getting bullied, I just felt like I couldn’t go, like a mental block. Now it also got nearer to the final exams we were also required to do coursework which would count as part of the final results. The best part is because I also didn’t do any coursework, in English my teacher put a table outside the classroom just for me to sit there alone and do it. It took me almost the entire year sitting there alone every English lesson to complete a basic 4 page story. At least that felt quite comfortable.

Once again, despite never being able to concentrate or complete any work, I managed to do quite well in my exams considering. I got mostly C’s across the board which were the highest available to me even if I got 100% correct as the teachers put me in the easier paper. The only place I scored lower was in IT, my strongest subject, where I scored U (Ungradable) because that was all based on school work which I did literally nothing in two years. The reason for this was because it felt so mind numbingly easy I couldn’t bring myself to do it.

The Dark Side of “Just Tired”

After leaving school things once again got worse. I fell into a deep depression and considered ending my life daily for many years. The only reason I didn’t was because I was scared ill even fail at that and it will hurt, and when I was bad enough to actually go through with anything I was so exhausted I couldn’t physically move.

Things were dire. Everything was hopeless, dark, alone, no hopes, no dreams, no future, no reason to continue living, no way out. Constantly tired physically and mentally. And now the people around me just assumed I was lazy and called me out on it and made jokes often. I didn’t know what to do and thought people would just dismiss me or laugh at me if I asked for help.

Work? That felt an impossible task. Relationships? No chance, I never go anywhere or do anything to find anyone. And even if I did who would want this mess.

Life remained very much in this state until my early 20’s where one day I somehow plucked the courage to tell my mum that I need help because I’m depressed. It really didn’t come as a shock to her and she almost dismissed it since she felt it was so obvious anyway. It took me a second time of asking to emphasise the “I need help” part, where she then went to the doctors with me.

I was prescribed anti depressants which made me feel even more like a zombie, but without any emotions bad or good (however I’d never truly had a good emotion in my life so that didn’t matter). I feel like the thing which helped the most was simply the new found knowledge that there is actually a way to get help which felt like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders. It was a much needed relief and the darkness disappeared, however I still felt something was wrong and I didn’t understand what.

A Breath of Fresh Air: My Sleep Apnoea Diagnosis

I now reached my late 20’s having done absolutely nothing in life except surviving, which given the circumstances I now see as an achievement. I was still perpetually tired and couldn’t concentrate on doing anything for more than maybe 20 minutes once a week if I was lucky.

I had previously gone to the doctor to ask about sleep apnoea when my mum suggested it when I was 18, as she noticed I stop breathing when I sleep. The doctor simply dismissed it and said this doesn’t happen to people my age and weight. It was a complete lie but being too anxious I just accepted this and moved on. It wasn’t until a friend convinced me to go back years later that I now nervously filled out their form and got assessed. Sleeping with a tube in my nose and straps around me with a monitor wasn’t easy but I managed to get a few hours. Having no confidence, I then went back to the hospital to receive the results and to my surprise not only did I have sleep apnoea, it was well over the “severe” scale.

I left the hospital with a CPAP machine, which was difficult at first and the small mask rubbing on my large nose all night was rather painful. My first night, I managed only 3 hours sleep, but it was the best sleep I had ever had. For the first time in my life I felt awake! My body was no longer pumping adrenaline to wake me up enough to stop me from choking almost every single minute of my sleep. Things were starting to make sense! That severe lack of sleep could have explained why I was extremely depressed at a young age and unable to concentrate.

I was told it would still take some time for me to learn how to live with this new found energy, and it did. It was a breath of fresh air and I finally felt awake but I still struggled to do anything. Perhaps I was just so used to this life and grew up with these problems that it’s all I knew how to do? I slowly went back to barely living and accepting that’s just who I am as things didn’t get any better.

The Final Piece of the Puzzle: My ADHD Diagnosis?

Fast forward a few more years I reached my mid 30’s doing the bare minimum to survive. I often tried doing more but again everything was a struggle. I actually felt more able to help others than to help myself.

By this time I was living with a friend and her three children. Helping as much as I could as she struggled too, trying to get a diagnosis for ADHD. Trying to help with this I started reading into it and that’s when my mind was blown.

All of my life I had the incorrect assumption that ADHD was the typical young child running around making lots of noise and cannot sit still. But here I am reading about this and almost everything felt like “that’s me!”. Everything started to make sense, like you would put the final piece into a puzzle and be like “Ohhhh!”. I started the long process to get a diagnosis. Thinking “What if I don’t have that? Then what? Where do I go next?” nervously for a year before receiving an assessment.

The assessment day came, I was nervous but the assessor was very friendly and quickly put me at ease. By the end, when he said the words “You have ADHD” (both parts) I felt such a huge sigh of relief. I finally had an answer why I struggled so much all these years that made sense. I spent many years helping others while unable to help myself, not being able to even do things I enjoy. I wasn’t lazy, I wasn’t looking for an excuse. I had ADHD!

The Journey Continues

I would love nothing more than to conclude this with a happily ever after. However that is where the journey ends for the time being. I’m still on the waiting list to receive medication. It’s not going to be a miracle but I hope that will help me finally be able to follow through with all of the things I wanted to do. Learn many things, complete things, and finally live life.

There is also the chance this is simply another step in the process like the sleep apnoea. But at this point a step is better than nothing.